Wedding Etiquette 101
Cosmopolitan shares 24 things never to do at a wedding. Take notes, ladies and gents, and refresh those manners in preparation for wedding season!
“1. Wear white. Oh don’t mind me, I’m just wearing a diamond-encrusted cloud and sitting in the front row, but it’s YOUR DAY, SWEETIE!
2. Get hammered and start drama. You’re my basssfraaaaand. You know that I love you. And I am sooooo happy for you today. But Jenna? Why did you make her your maid of honor? Jenna is a heinous bitch. Oh, hi, Jenna.
3. Disingenuously dance with old people to get laid. Mostly male guests are guilty of this one. Sorry, dude, dancing with a tiny, adorable grandma while you give me The Eye does not cancel out your soul patch.
4. Throw a fit about not being able to get shots at the open bar. You and I both know you can get more than drunk enough on the free Riesling. You do not need to wrestle a shot of Patron from this depressed catering company bartender in order to feel alive at this wedding.
5. Not be cool with buying a bachelorette party T-shirt or throwing down for the mani-pedi group package. Passive aggressive emails about “not thinking you should have to buy the shirt that says Queen Jessica on it” because “you’re technically not in the wedding” make you look tacky and cheap. Sorry not sorry.
6. Disrespect the venue, e.g. throw trash on the floor. Or shrimp tails. Or used tampons. Anything, really.
7. Grind with a rando on the dance floor to Lil Wayne. Close your eyes and you can still feel the ghost of all the tuxedo-pants boners rubbing up on your hip.
8. Text during the ceremony. Or the reception speeches. Unless you are someone’s 16-year-old cousin and your best friend texted you really upset because she just lost her virginity to this older guy in a band who told her that her boobs look like duck heads, you have NO EXCUSE.
9. If the status of your plus-one changes, tell no one. Just let them think the person’s still coming, and then you have a weird empty chair and extra meal and they have wasted the space that could have been given to a human they love.
10. Do not sign the guest book. Or if you do sign it, sign it “FUCK BITCHES GET MONEY” and then a doodle of Marvin the Martian smoking a joint.
11. Speak very loudly about how you think the concept of marriage is patriarchal bullshit. In other words, “Let me condescend to you by telling everyone your priorities and values are stupid and then eat the awesome cake you bought for me.”
12. Wear something you would wear to Da Club. If you are considering reusing your outfit from A Phi E’s CEOs and Corporate Hos party, maybe… don’t. (A friend of mine who had to find an outfit for a baby shower recently complained, “Everything I own looks like I’m going to a trendy funeral.”)
13. Throw up in the bathroom. :(
14. Yell at the bride and groom to stop and look at you during their first dance for your stupid iPhone photo. Leave them alone and leave it up to the hired photographer.
16. Bring the bride’s ex as a guest. Woof.
17. Pull your chair up to sit beside the bride and groom at their table because you don’t like the people at your table. Because a wedding is all about the joyful, loving union of… three people.
18. Realize you forgot to RSVP when you don’t get dinner. And the bride gives you her food.
19. Wear something way too casual when everyone else is doing cocktail attire. Or cocktail attire when everyone else is doing black tie.
20. Get really, really, really ridiculously drunk and drop the leg of the chair you’re holding when the bride and groom are hoisted up together. Potential for fatal injury.
21. Loudly insult the food and/or be a dick due to dietary restrictions you did not mention on your RSVP card. UGH, I’m PESCATARIAN, I can’t eat this SHIT. *pushes plate away * *eventually dies and goes to hell*
22. Not go out of your way to find an appropriate place to smoke a cigarette, if you are a smoker. As a smoker-when-drunk, I can confirm that there is a respectful way to do this, and it does not involve lighting up around other guests. Ask if there is a grotto or whatever — chances are you will head over and find a few other strangers smoking there.
23. Be supes inapprops in front of people’s kids. Go ahead, talk about the weird saggy balls of the best man you just hooked up with in the room where everyone put their coats. That 7-year-old boy nearby is not listening and internalizing.
24. Make the wedding photographer do mini-portraits of you and your family. GTFO and go to Sears. This is not a free photo session.”
And there you have it!