The 11 Realest Struggles of Summer Sex
I think we can all agree to some extent at one point of time or another…
1. Your partner is hot AF. And no, not hot as in sexy; hot as in, “If you touch your body to my body, I will throw up and then die.” This is how summer sex usually goes: (1) Half-heartedly flop your hand onto your partner’s genitals to attempt to initiate sex. (2) Your hand burns off your body and sears a giant hole in your partner’s junk. (3) You are both too tired to move and so you just lie there, sizzling in agony instead of ecstasy. (Or something less dramatic, but you get the point.) (The point: Don’t fucking touch me.)
2. The literal buckets of sweat. A little sweaty is sexy, but when you’re giving off more water than a ride at Raging Waters, you need to evaluate whether or not you should be moving. How about instead of sex, you just take turns holding box fans over each other’s bodies and pray for winter?
3. Sex in a pool is the worst thing. “Oh, sweet! We’ll cool down and get off by doing it in the pool because we’re gross and don’t recognize that other people have to swim in this water. Oh wait, that chlorine kinda stings. Oh, hmmm, water isn’t a natural lubricant? Oh, holy shit, that hurts/burns! Oh, fuck, my foot is caught in the pool drain. OH, HI, AUNT EDNA, WHEN DID YOU GET HERE.” And scene!
4. Nope. Sorry. I was wrong. Sex on the beach is the actual worst thing. Sand. Everywhere. And I mean, everywhere. That is all. (And it is enough.)
5. Fantasy: Your man will try to seduce you looking like this:
Reality: Your man will try to seduce you looking like this:
6. You’re the most exhausted. You know how during the hot, muggy, smelly, stifling dog days of summer you just want to lie in the dark with ice cubes all over your body and quietly sob yourself to sleep? Yeah, you know. Well, doesn’t that make you horny? Oh, it doesn’t? Heat exhaustion doesn’t get your motor running? Weirdo!
7. You think shower sex will be great. You are wrong. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, and in the summer, the water doesn’t get cold enough so you’re both strangely sweating in the shower, which is the weirdest and worst sensation. The only way I can see this working is if you have a backyard hose that’s hooked up to a freezing water supply and you can hose each other down and then have sex on top of a giant ice cube? If you can do that, shower sex might be OK.
(Oh, you think that still looks sexy? Well, news flash! That’s your partner’s sweat raining on you!)
9. Sunburn. Ouuuuuch. Trying to navigate around your (or someone else’s) sunburn when you’re feeling frisky will only end in screaming and tears and maybe some cracked and bleeding skin. Sexier alternative: Douse yourselves in all the aloe, watch Netflix, never touch again.
10. Everything’s clammy. Clammy Balls might be the awesome name of your new band, but it’s not something you ever want to touch, smell, or subject your poor, innocent eyes to. What have you eyes ever done to you!
11. Too much laundry! Because summer sex is especially liquidy (Sorry! That’s so visual!), you have to wash your sheets nearly constantly, and honestly, the thought of carrying your heavy, hot comforter two blocks to the nearest laundromat is enough to make you celibate.