Are you ‘Sex Stagnant’? Spice up Your Bedroom This Valentine’s
Sex is everywhere — if we’re not watching actual sex scenes on TV or in the movies, we’re watching celebrities parade down red carpets practically naked. It’s not just porn that sets unrealistic expectations for what’s sexy anymore, and it can be hard to feel like you measure up when it comes time to get naked IRL. But if you want to keep sex fresh in a long-term relationship or you want to feel more confident in the bedroom, there are plenty of things you can do without going OTT. Just give these tricks a try.
1. The Ridiculously Simple Apparel Trick
No woman alive needs to be told that sight is every man’s number one stimulus when it comes to sex. This is often the bane of our existence (as when his head swivels in a restaurant like NASA radar). But the power of sight can work for you. Forget acrylic nails, or those “darling” accessories, or that new workout gear — men couldn’t care less. Take that cash and invest in lingerie. It can be demure; it can be enticingly sleazy. “Lingerie” — way above “please” or “thank you” — is the magic word. Slinky, lacy red things are classics. Start here:
2. The Not-Your-Average-Missionary Trick
Q: When is the missionary position not the missionary position? A: When you stroke your man’s perineum. This small stretch of flesh between the anus and the testicles is an exalted but often neglected place. When it is caressed or gently prodded during sex, men fuse with the eighth dimension. Don’t assume that the great favor of your vagina is enough. Gild the lily.
3. The Whole-New-Ball-Game Trick
A man’s testicles, says Dr. Cadell, are the complement to our ovaries: a mystical place, the epicenter of new life. But unlike ovaries, testicles can be touched — and, boy, should they be touched. The sensations they produce are beyond the sum of their parts (forgive the pun): profound. Pinch, tug, suck on his testicles. Linger. Dawdle. Don’t make this an afterthought. This is a destination in itself.
4. The Place-You-Don’t-Want-to-Go-But-Should Trick
It’s the anus. Not yours, his. Penetrating a man’s anus stimulates his prostate — the male G-spot. Do not underestimate the power of this tip-off. The results are titanic. Start by lightly circling the outside of his anus with your fingers or tongue. Try a small, thin vibrator. If your man wants you to proceed with penetration, you can lubricate the vibrator, or use a lubricated, covered finger. Buy latex finger cots at the drugstore. They’ll prevent internal skin tears and, frankly, make the whole transaction easier for you. I promise you that his slack-jawed, pinwheel-eyed, puppy-like gratitude will abate any reluctance on your part.
5. The Taste-’N'-Smell-O-Rama Trick
Smell and taste can be vivid sexual lures, especially the way you smell and taste. Does he really like your signature perfume? Might he prefer something trashier? Spicier? Experiment. Try bathing with a new scented oil. Walk out in a towel, then ask him to smell you and nibble and share what he thinks. Show him where. Unless you’ve bathed in skunk oil, his sharing will involve few words. Play with flavored lubricants. There are dozens to choose from, like chocolate pudding flavor, strawberry, tangerine. Even if you don’t really need lubricants for intercourse, they’re wholesomely lewd, and they increase sensation. Some men don’t want flavored or scented anything. They crave the smell and taste of an aroused woman, unadorned. If you have such a man, here’s a marvelous move: Find a private moment in a public place. Tell him you can’t wait to get home ’cause you’re wet just thinking about him. Maintain eye contact as you (discreetly! sensuously!) snake your hand inside your clothes to your vagina. Touch yourself. Draw your hand out and put your fingers in his mouth. Say sweetly, “See?”
6. The Card Trick
People should not have sex without talking about it — lovingly, salaciously, practically, fearlessly — and often. How else can we know how to thrill each other? Couples don’t ask for what they want because they’re afraid they won’t get it. If you don’t ask, however, you are sure not to get it. The spoken word can be foreplay, intimate and hot. Be brave. Dr. Ava Cadell suggests this sex game. Plan to make a night of it: First, set the mood for a romantic evening with your partner. Then write all your sex fantasies on three-by-five-inch cards. All of them, no matter how bestial, or politically taboo. Then, read your cards together and, as you do, divide them into three piles: fantasies you want to turn into reality (e.g., sex in an airplane lavatory); fantasies you want to keep that way (e.g., sex with your man and another woman); and fantasies that do nothing for one of the partners (e.g., sex with Big Bird). Finally, discard the pile of fantasies that turn a partner off. Keep the other two piles. Have one partner choose a card from one of them, and then do whatever’s written on it. If he chooses this time, you get to choose next time. If the chosen fantasy is one you both want to keep a fantasy, you don’t have to actually do it — just make love as you talk about it. Example: He picks the fantasy where he makes love to you and another woman (most men’s number one choice). Start to make love while both of you describe, in exquisite carnal detail, who’s doing what to whom and how.
7. The Getting-to-Know-Yourself Trick
Practice makes perfect. And perfecting your orgasms alone will give you the confidence to relax—deux. The first thing you have to do is banish the notion that you must have an orgasm through intercourse. Not a lot of women do, and some who say they do are lying. Most women, however, can climax with masturbation, and it’s a great way to learn what really works for you. Get loose with yourself. Make the time. Wear something hot. Try different kinds of vibrators. Try different positions: on your back, in a chair, kneeling in front of a mirror. Touch yourself in different ways — for instance, play with your labia only until the verge of orgasm, and only then touch your clitoris directly. Build sensations slowly; keep yourself near the verge for as long as you can. Discover what works best for you, and explain it to your partner. He can’t read your mind.
8. The Magic-Touch Trick
Masturbate in front of your man. Masturbate him while he watches. Don’t be shy. Describe what you’re doing as you do it.
9. The G-Spot Orgasm Trick
The good news: You definitely have a G-spot. The bad news: Finding it is like playing pin the tail on the donkey. The G-spot is, anatomically speaking, your urethral sponge — a sprig of knowledge that’s wildly unerotic. It’s our version of the male prostate, best stimulated through the vagina’s front wall with your fingers, or with a flexing, antenna-like vibrator designed for this quest. To find your G-spot, get yourself nicely aroused; then, inserting one or two fingers, palm up, press slowly around your vagina’s front wall, about two inches up. It varies from girl to girl. Before hell freezes over you will hit a dime-size, slightly ridged spot that provokes an urge to urinate. Engrave that location on your brain, then go and do so. When you return, find it again. This time ignore the got-to-go feeling; you’ll know it’s false. If you keep stimulating, that sensation will bloom into pleasure. Once you’ve aced this, demonstrate it for your partner.
10. The Condom Trick
There are times when you just need a condom, no matter how smugly exclusive you are: You have a yeast infection, he has a weird red spot, you’re in Hawaii without your pills. But produce one and you see the face of a petulant toddler veneered on the man you love. Try saying this: “But, baby, I need to practice putting them on with my mouth.” Men love this. Let him know it’s an old hookers’ trick. Here’s how it goes: Hold the condom so the rolled edge is facing you. Place it between your lips and teeth that way. Stick your tongue in the middle so tongue-in-condom pokes out just a bit. Put tongue-in-condom on the head of the penis (if you want to train for this before the actual event, practice on a banana). Cover your teeth with your lips and ease your mouth over his penis until the condom is unrolled. Make sure you leave some space at the top for semen. And don’t conduct this like a relay race. A little finesse, if you please! Genius, huh? You’re welcome.
11. The Volume Trick
Do make noise during sex. Dr. Cadell says enthusiasm is the number one turn-on for men.
12. The Porn Trick
They say to keep electronics out of the bedroom (and you should) to keep intimacy alive, but porn is the exception. One quick search to his favorite fantasy will have him ooooohhhing and ahhhhing before you even touch him. Don’t think this trick is just for your partner, though —porn will get the juices flowing for you, too, and could open your mind to new sexual possibilities. “Hearing arousal is often in it of itself arousing, and certainly the visual of seeing people receiving pleasure is, too,” explains sex and relationships expert Megan Fleming, Ph.D. Dim the lights, press play, and let the soothing sounds of others getting off help you get off.
13. The Get-Out-of-the-House Trick
It’s one thing to take your sex life out of the bedroom; it’s a whole new ball game to move your sex life out of the house completely. Maybe it’s an evening in the park after the wine is drunk and the cheese has been eaten when the park is clearing out and your picnic blanket is the perfect cover for some discretion… Or maybe it’s in a parked car in a deserted parking lot? “For some people, the risk of being seen is a huge turn-on,” says Fleming. “The idea you could get caught is a little taboo and increases the arousal.” Granted, don’t be stupid. Please don’t bone in broad daylight on the beach with hundreds around.
14. The Tie Trick
“Our biggest sex organ is our mind but our biggest organ is our skin,” says Fleming. Grabbing a blindfold or wrapping a tie around his eyes can heighten his senses for some pretty explosives results. Take the lead by grabbing a few ice cubes and experiment with temperature play on your man’s body from head to toe. Light a massage candle and leave your guy alone naked and blindfolded while the aromatherapy relaxes his mind but his body aches to feel your touch. The possibilities are endless.
15. The Toy Trick
The fact is that most women orgasm from clitoral stimulation — so why not bring in a vibrator? Try something small and hands-free that you can use on your clitoris. Yes, your partner will love seeing you writhe in ecstasy, but just as importantly, you’ll feel good. You can also bring in a vibrator for your partner to use on you, one you can use together, or maybe a toy you’d like to use on him.
16. The Game Trick
Make sex and foreplay a game by breaking out some dice to determine exactly what you’ll be doing, or try one of these X-rated activities. It’ll add an element of surprise and change things up.